As Abraham Lincoln once said "It is better to be thought of as a fool thanto open your mouth and remove all doubt",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Great Thinkers of the Century:
 1. Question: If you could live forever, would you, and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --- Mariah Carey
 3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." --- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22.
4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." --- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
 5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --- Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
 7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
 9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --- Hillary Clinton (commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)
10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." --- A Congressional Candidate in Texas
12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." ---General William Westmoreland

Are You Kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT,
"And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood
of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most Beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay,
because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest  woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50
the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the
5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't
think he would do it again."

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't
disguise your voice)
3) Insist that your e mail address be
xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourag! e your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your cheques, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with  the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is the
opposite gender.)
20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

A beautiful executive assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring, with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch organ."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, and says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."

LETTER FROM MUM TO SON

Dear Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 Klms from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother… Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a ute.  Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.