Just stupid stuff I found on the net.

 

34 Different Ways to Annoy People

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now,"
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin on the piano keys. When nearly done announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage,"
30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles,"
33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!
34. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this

Humourous English signs from around the world

-- TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

-- BUCHAREST (ROMANIA) HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable

-- LEIPZIG (GERMANY) ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

-- BELGRADE (YUGOSLAVIA) ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving then going alphabetically by national order.

-- PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.

-- ATHENS (GREECE) HOTEL: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

-- YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

-- JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

-- MOSCOW HOTEL: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

-- SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

-- AUSTRIAN SKI LODGE: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

-- POLISH MENU: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

-- HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

-- BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.

-- PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.

-- RHODES (GREECE) TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

-- SOVIET NEWSPAPER: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

-- GERMAN CAMPING SITE: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

-- HONG KONG AD: Teeth extracted by the lastest methodists.

-- ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

-- CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

-- SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.

-- COPENHAGEN (DENMARK) AIRLINE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

-- MOSCOW HOTEL: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.

-- NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

-- BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

-- ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.

-- ACUPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

-- TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

-- JAPANESE HOTEL: colles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

-- TOKYO CAR RENTAL FIRM: When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

 

Facts of life

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.