I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and

we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does,

because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech

improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech

improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a

bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't

just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,

because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they

found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people,

anyway?

I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was

coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"

"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform

you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.

You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to

get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all

true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the

head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he

can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell

sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun,"

I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I

think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we

didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20

minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting

story.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since

he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets

hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to

study the brain.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which

you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a

mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand

up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off!

Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the

movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and

running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would

say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls

and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing

around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people

to do what I say.

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big

for Daddy."

I think man invented the car by instinct.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk

around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the

time required to really fix up my "pad".

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of

like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That

way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How

about it, science?

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.

To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing

up, is not what I call hospitality.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't

hypnotize you.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I

don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,

"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for

paneling.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we

could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND

Superman away.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for

about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and

start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd

say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd

say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with

a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't

eat as much.

I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round,

because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the

shape of continents.

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it

open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and

in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,

because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a

Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God

is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is

"probably because of something you did."

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.

When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody.

That Alien!

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas,

because that's what He's getting!

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain

lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to

have fun with this thing.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,

because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression

we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not

prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's

gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be

a better way.

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because

then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What

the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of

Weasels."

If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster,

I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something

like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and

everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a

soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real

quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and

I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much

glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the

storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a

good name for him would be Carl.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses

should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you

should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We

might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't

think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people

see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right

back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak

the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real

embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop

and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the

first sign of jungle madness.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the

cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but

instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later,

when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and

throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming

and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a

coward.

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're

gone.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow

down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll

look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people

do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the

students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are

all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were

swimming.

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this:

Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto

the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log

o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could

cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked

dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's

Hambone.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor

pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger

that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up

to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to

say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is

probably a joke that gets old real fast.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still

others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as

screw-boys.

In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should

automatically disqualify you.

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them

'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be

brothers?

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and

catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;

that's my point.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying

across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose

in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.

And also, you're drunk.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be

carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we

can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary

Skeletons.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones

on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put

it on and really scare you.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of

wild dogs.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a

hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to

the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them.

Man, wise up.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it

was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away

from the first fight.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that

man.

Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of

cannibals.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never

known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and

bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know

sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives

connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of

these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from

invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are

funny.

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a

big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get

the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your

balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big

Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it

was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it,

like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:

"Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".

What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted

brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look

like a deer.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the

interchangeable parts.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old

stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the

treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a

plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and

his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept

going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then

the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long

after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on

the plane. It was a little long, though.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse

James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem

like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in

town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and

waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and

the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy

Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my

little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out

warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but

I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over

to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they

forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be

noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the

greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking

surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying

to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the

next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no

other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out

there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or

factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I

have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's

lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who

cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car

parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE

A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing

to do. She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on, anyway?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my

"fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray

helmet, I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do

they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I

forgot to put on my pants.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back

my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me,

because I am beautiful.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself

down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person

comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A

jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says

"You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a

fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him

and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I

remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and

drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The

smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.

I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not,

and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large

blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone

asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and

pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've

hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to

hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor.

"Sorry," he said with a smile.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.

But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks,

and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it.

Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give

me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I

chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way

of these people.

The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together

outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck you!" somebody

yelled. "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the

sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and

saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he

felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano

and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right.

After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the

hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but

there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills

were real high.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and

the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where

this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a

clown killed my dad.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you

walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can

say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same

time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I

can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house.

And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around

myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective

substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked

me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth

real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and

have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland

on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be

proud to be sprayed by one.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called

the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell

everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's

just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone,

and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five

minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could

get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real

fast and freak everybody out.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over

the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff

that comes flying out.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them

personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't

be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up in town.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a

solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought,

we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and

after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't

think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all

those wishes.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all

go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't

until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.

Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and

said, "Hey, good job."

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got

up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one

laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that

way.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet,

I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder.

Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high

behind you to keep people from following too close.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your

elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever

press charges.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a

chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy!

I'm going insane again.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct

is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then

it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered

an enemy planet.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a

pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be

able to get a lot of free games.

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that

rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said

that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people

happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.