If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the

line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to

press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are

holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bit off your ear.