Absentee Letters Actually Received by School Teachers from the Parents of Their Students...

•Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.

•Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

•I had to keep billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she ware.

•Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

•Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.

•Chris will not be in school cuz he has a acre in his side.

•John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

•Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

•Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

•My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fisacal ed. Please execute him.

•Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football and was hurt in the growing part.

•My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spend this weekend with the marines.

•Please excuse Joyce from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell out of a tree and misplaced a hip.

•Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

•Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat. Her brother had low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must have been something going around; her father even got hot last night.

•Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diar dyrey diereah the shits.

•Please excuse Blanch from jim today. She is administrating.

•George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

•Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.

•Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.

•Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

•Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday, because he had the fuel.

REAL Answers Received on Exams Given by the California Department of Transportation's Driving School (Saturday Traffic School for Moving Violation Offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The colour.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Drive like minamoto.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.