She gave me a note with words on. Words that went straight
to my heart. She's eleven and I'm twenty - this is not a
love-story. It's about communication. How many times haven't I
been dreaming of telling you exactly what I feel? Or of just
merely contacting you. Why am I afraid of you? Are you afraid of
me?

Me and a friend, Ante, were working at a school for 10-12
year olds, fixing computer-stuff. The class was there while we
examined the computer that was located in their classroom. We had
been to the same class the day before and had started to learn a
few of the students. Some of the boys we're really disturbing and
they acted 'cool'. and macho; they hit eachother, harassed the
girls, yelled at them and hit them. I stopped and said to a girl
that had just been hit that she should hit back if they did that
to her, otherwise men would do that stuff to her for the rest of
her life! The girls kinda bought this and started fighting the
boys back. Some of the boys also acted tough against us,  and one
of them called me a fag cause of my hair (and a bunch of other
stuff as well). Others just asked what we were doing and hung
around sort of. We kinda got to know some of the kids more or
less.

Anyway, there was this one girl, Jenny, who thought I
looked like Robyn (cause of my hair...sigh) who is a famous, young
musician here in Sweden (she had a couple of big hits last
summer).  So she and some others started calling me Robyn. I just
thought it was kinda cool... The second day, when we were working
with this fucked-up computer, she came to us and gave me a note.
It said:
 "Hi! You are funny and kind and pretty clever /Jenny"

Maybe I can't express the meaning of these words, or maybe
not the words, but the note itself. I think of it as something
that is so tough! So impressing. Something that should be
fundamental. It all came so suddenly, I mean it wasn't like she
had a crush on me or had hung around us all the time. I just saw
the weight of her action - letting somebody know what you think of
that person - cause I need to hear this kind of appreciation.
I need to be appreciated. I need to feel unique and special. I need
to feel I am one of a kind. And she made me feel these things. And
we all want to feel these things! And we all repress these things
by not communicating. I guess that is why we are so insecure.
Because no one ever tells us we.re funny, kind and clever (except
our moms maybe...). That we.re not ugly, that we don't need to be
ashamed of our bodies, that we're good at stuff, that we're
fucking special.

We very seldom give credit, or tell people what we feel.
Even if we dare to say these things, most people don't - it's easy
to forget about others cause we're so busy with a shitload of
personal stuff. We walk around and expect other people to tell us
we're doing a bunch of great stuff, that we're goodlooking, that
we're special but we never say these things to anyone. It could be
something as simple as telling someone they've got a cool shirt or
a nice hat.

I just wonder, have they (they? The Government, you
schmuck!) arranged things to be this way? I mean, they definately
have a lot of things to win by socializing people to be afraid of
eachother, not talking to eachother etc (I'm just figuring out a
conspiracy, there's nothing awkward with that...). How are we
supposed to organize and fight back this system of shit, that
we're claiming to be so furiously opposed to, if we're afraid of
eachother? Afraid of talking to eachother. Afraid of demonstrating
our true selves.

There will be no revolution if there is no communication.
Not on a personal level nor a global one. No one will be converted
or receive information without communication. So obviously some
people are benefiting upon my low self-esteem or my tradition of
not communicating. It seems as if I'm ashamed of my true self. The
real me. Or at least not so secure and comfortable with myself.

I get mad at myself every single time I fail to contact
you. It happens that I don't dare to appproach to you, talk with
you. Those times I hate myself, or the fact that this is the way I
function. Because I want a revolution. I wanna communicate.
I wanna get to know you. I wanna be your friend. I wanna tell you
that I think you've got cool jeans, pretty hair and that you're a
nice person. I wanna tell you I like you. Maybe next time.

                                                                              - Henrik
 

[this text is a translation of an article in the first issue of my fanzine
True Self Revealed. It also appeared in a zine by Robert Horlik.]