Dear you hide me from the world

without a word without a sign

without even being there

you hide me

you trap me in your cage and

hide me

when will you let me out?

your name it spins

it spins around

I taste it, smell it,

hear it, feel it

your name

so special with it's spelling

so special in it's specialty

so special it is almost unlikely

that anyone else would have it

your name

it's all that's here for real

that I've got of you

right now, with me

except memories

and memories have gone hiding

they have their own cage that they're in

they are happy alright but

they hurt in a way

and I'm sure now, that I'll never see

the day when I can talk to you again

in the same honest way that before

that hurts even more

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I'm gone

It has been so long since we spoke

to each other

it has been too long since we met

it is getting to me

that you're not with me

it is making me evil sometimes

it is often now that I wonder

what you do, where you go, what you think

are you gonna make me wait forever

are you gonna make me cry more tears?

are you gonna make me wait

another painful year?

or will you come to make things clear?

there has been so many words

for you that never came out

there has been so many loving gestures

that were cramped inside

they made me shout

unfortunately, on someone else

as usual - you weren't there to take it

I want you here

beside me, near

right by me, here, beside me

but I know

it'll never happen

you're just too damn scared to tell

so I'm sure since I'm never told anything

there's nothing more to tell

It feels as if I'm hell to you

you're scared and you try to make it through

well it's over now, I'm gone

sure you'll make this all a really good song

to sing when you're cold and lonely

I guess it's your turn to feel you're the only one

in this world who's not worth to be loved

I've learned my lesson

I'm gone

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Goodbye

For almost a year, I was waiting - I waited

For a few months, I was hoping

I hoped that youīd be there again - one day

For a month or two, I wondered

if I was really the one, for you - I wondered

Now Iīve come to the conclusion

that it canīt be me, as it canīt be anyone - at all

Now Iīm certain it wonīt matter - who is there and who is not

it feels as if you forgot - what really matters

Life runs by and when all things are done

there won't be anything left

because life doesn't stop it's living

and the days that pass, they're the one's that's life

so don't wait until it's finished

when you're finished - you're dead

Iīm so sad it turned out this way

Iīm sad 'cause I hoped that maybe - one day

maybe we 'll be one again

maybe one day you'll see me again

as the one who honestly loves you

as the one whoīd do anything for you

as the one who'd be there no matter what happens

one day

I hoped it would turn out that way - again

But now you only want to be my friend - well

I have friends

who care and who help in a way that you donīt

So ok - go on, on your way

I hope you'll find one day

someone who loves you as much as I do

My love has to go somewhere you know

if it canīt come out I'll die

so I have to let it out - somehow

and since you're not here

it'll be someone else

I'm not as happy as I would be - if it was you

but I have to think of myself, just as you

so reality breaks it's realms and here I am

with someone else who loves me

almost the same way as you used to do

so I guess I won't see you very much anymore

well, who cares? I did'nt before anyway, did I?

Good bye

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You've moved

You came and you left and what is it thatīs left?

I don't know, I don't even know if I want to know but

you left me with a feeling that itīs alright somehow

So I won't shed no tears anymore

over you

I won't leave behind any angers

for you

I'm just certain today that I took the right way

to shut you out meant letting you in

to the place where you really belong

the place inside where my friends are

to my secret inside where I polish my scars

until they don't show

Noone will know

what I've done with my feelings

for you

they don't show, or maybe they do

but if they do they show up as often as you

so they won't bother me much anymore

I'm so glad this went through

I'm so glad that you said

all those things that you said

now I can't remember but I'm sure they were good

and I know that you understood

I know that you don't think

that I want you back

'cause I don't anymore

And now that I know, that you know to

we can be those kind of friends that

this universe wanted us to

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Outcast

At society's outcast

there leans a man

he's torn but his beauty

shines through

all the pain

He wants to belong

to the riches and glory

his heart already lives there

but thats another story

he walks around

thinks he doesn't belong

he whispers sounds

from an unknown song

where did you come from

where do you go

are you letting me in

just to show

that you'll always be lonely

whatever I do

or are there reasons

like you love me to?

I guess I will never

know for real

I'm just hoping

and praying

that it's not only with

the devil inside

that I deal

but the man outside as well

even though you have your

private hell

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Recycling

I give my love to you

you give yours to your cat

but she doesn't give me a thing

so here I am, flat

with noone giving me

the love I so badly need

what do I need to do

to succeed?

Every pore in my body

is aching and bleeding

for love in some form

hope that someone starts feeding

I do not feel as before

that I can go on without love

and my own doesn't count

for enough

whatever I do

most of it flows out to you

and the rest just isn't enough

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Again and again

You rushed off to work

woke too late again

no breakfast in your

bleeding stomach

Your face expressing pain

How many times

must this be seen

before you realize

There's no use working

in between

a psychosis and a fight

And even though there

was a minute, or two

before you had to go

your inside pressure

made you run to the train

anyway

is it really that fun?

I know what you're like,

you know I did the same

I worked my ass off

trying to keep up the game

but one day I cracked

and I guess you will to

if you don't realize this

in a month or two

I guess I could write

another poem

I could write you

a book or two

but in the end it doesn't matter

in the end there's noone else

noone else but you

that can make you understand

what is life

and what is strife

strife made up - not by nature,

but by man

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Crumbs

Why should I try when you're never here?

why should I climb down to pick you up?

why should I fight for what I think is true

when the love I need does'nt come from you?

why is there reasons for me to live

when there is nothing you can give

except some crumbs from the cake

that you've baked for someone else

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I give up

I could try and give you feelings

to hold you here in life

I could try to pick you up

when your life consists of strife

I could pour my love all over you

and try to make you see

that I want you to be here

be here with me

But I always feel there is no choice

but to surrender in the end

to the demons that crawl upon you

they will always be there, they're sent

And somehow it seem so easy

to give up this life again

you'll surely follow because of guilt

maybe I will have you then

In a heaven or hell where all feelings dwell

I don't have to fight anymore

we'll be there together without all those humans

that brings your love to a halt

So this it'll be

I'm giving up

please don't tell me there's something

that I forgot

because now I don't care anymore

my heart is so endlessly sore

there's no use in trying

to recover

it will surely

take forever

see you there

on the other side

I hope that's the place

where there's nothing to hide

not even for you

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True love

You talked about true love

was that meant to be

something I so easily could see?

I've read a lot that you wrote before

but never did you mention

this ultimate love

was it meant to make me think

to make me worry

whether you're working late

or to someone else hurry?

Maybe I'm foolish

that could've been ages ago

maybe I'm childish

I should let it go

whatever you'll do

I can't change the course

whatever you choose

the choice will be yours

and since you're here

I guess I'm foolish alright

but then your poem

talked of one night...

There could easily be

someone else that you see

I'm easily fooled when it

comes to these things

but I wish that I knew,

I wouldn't want you to be

loving someone else for real

when the only one you HAVE

for real is me

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Where are we

You came you went and I did to

but did you know that

I did it for you?

I drove, you sat back

but did you guess

that the force that drove me

pushed your attack?

I went without questions

to my sacred place

I will not know your feelings

when I down my tub sink

hopefully you will find me

and tell me once and for all

if it's true that you love me

and of course if you don't

but I dont know for sure

if your honest with me

I don't know at all

if it's me or we

Is it you in a cage and a me there outside

that can watch you and touch you but not step inside

Or am I in there and why is it so

I want a place I can go to

where we both better go

if we want this to last

If there's no use at all

then why are we here

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Betrayed

Guess I'm stupid

just as always

praying, hoping

you'll give me something

something to show

I'm the only one

something to show

that there's noone else

but I'm foolish I know,

I should let this be

I guess you would call it

insanity

But I can't stop my worries

they come from within

when at last I'm not having

any foolish affairs

it seems karmic enough that

I'd be the one

who's betrayed at last

universe has won

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Wondering

So where did you go

are you working that late

seems strange but of course

I should trust you

and never rely on a source

ironic it seems

since this source was you

writing something

that I couldn't let through

wandering wondering

who can it be?

and was it before

or after me?

Am I the one that you

love so sincerely

or is there another

who you touch more dearly?

for a few weeks

there's been

fewer touches

fewer words

I wonder if she was

the one who heard

about me on a night

when you're working late

if it's so

I wish

oh I wish

I could hate

But since sunday I feel

that you live here for real

that sometimes you talk to me

sometimes you touch

like you're here with me

so was there ever someone else?

I guess I'll never know

I just hope this all

is my wicked fantasy

I hope this all ends well

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Was it me

I was never betrayed

I think

but then of course

I don't know

maybe I was

but I closed my third eye

did'nt want to know

did'nt want to fight

never did I think

it would be so obvious

never did I think you would tell

but did you really?

You could always claim

that it's just another story

about life and man

that it has nothing to do with you

or anyone else

ahaa, I see

maybe, oh Lord,

of course, maybe it's me?

I'd be too damn scared

to ask for the truth

wouldn't want to know

if it wasn't

oh my Lord

if it wasn't me

then who on earth could it be?

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Love me

Same boring stuff as usual

broken hearts

all over the place

why are we humans

so foolish with love

we cannot give if we

don't get a show

a show for affection

are we all the same?

affection to prove

that we're still in the game

affection to tell us

we've rights to be loved

caresses to show that

we're dreamed about

come to conclusions,

please would you my friends?

it seems I am stuck

will my hell ever end?

no matter how much

someone tries to show

my feelings of loneliness

never goes

insanity will be

near at hand

to tell why I'm lonely

althought I have a man

well of course he can't love me

nobody could

I don't even know if

anyone would

even if they could

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My fucking ego

Am I too much of an ego

when I want you to show

something small

just to tell me

it's me that you love

am I honest enough

when I tell you I'm sad

does my talking of nothing

drive you mad

do you want me to be here

at all, by your side

sometimes it just feel

I should run off and hide

somewhere you'll never find me

maybe this is the end

maybe hiding's the answer

you won't hate me then

or will you follow

and tell me

that you want me near

what will your action be

when I'm there

is it same then, as usual

nothing to show

nothing to tell me

and nowhere to go

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It was you

Suddenly I remembered

what happened

the first time we met

I wonder now,

how could we part?

I wonder now,

and what made us do

what we did?

I knew, but I didn't

realize

I was too afraid

but what was I afraid of?

I will never know

when it came to solutions

I guess I was afraid to grow

I guess I thought

it was too good to be true

that the one loving me

so sincerely

was you

I said to myself

this was never for real

just a dream in my head

just a dream and a feel

a feeling of something

being bigger than all

bigger than everything

I've ever known

even bigger

than you are

in my inner vision

but still it fits into my

square-head prison

so I dreamed on

for a few months

and then

the last thing

I expected

was true

the one holding me

in my inside then

was the last one I thought

it was you

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For real

I know you're scared

but how do I know?

the signals you send

a spectacular show

I know your loved

but it's my knowingness

small ways of behaving

when I'm allowed to caress

I want to touch you

more than there's time for

I want to hold you

more than you dare

I want to show you

how much I care

but when you're here

I don't really dare

I'm so afraid you would think

I'm so witty and naive

that you'd think that my wisdom

is not very deep

that you'll think that my love

is some surfacelike show

but it's not

no it's not

I'm aching

for you to know

it's not just a show

it's for real

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Within

I know you have pain

deep inside

I know

what you're trying to hide

and I know that you see

in me

that I see what's inside of you

I hope that you can to, soon

I want to tell you,

over and over

how much I want you to discover

the realms I've broken

and what I've learned

and what of the work

made me something earn

not all of the things that you do

seem right

not all of the things that you've done

seem bright

but the things that you don't

they look good in between

what is learned, what is earned

and what you believe

The problem in this is

as easy as pie

you can only try

to stop to deny

your innermost you

that is there to be loved

and it's only for you

your problem will solve

itself

when you get your help

from there

you know where

from within

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Believe

Something more I need to say

before you go on on your way

is that you should never ever forget

what you will, and what you won't

regret

the things that you think

you've done

is as you know, something

someone else has begun

long before you, they started to plan

what you were supposed to be

as a man

so excuse them for being

so fucking naive

it's in you, not in them,

that you should believe

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Told you

So, you thought things wouldn't eventually work out?

Well, I guess that now I don't longer have to shout...

In short, what more

could I ever say

than that we all have someone

to lead us on our way

some of us are more fragile than others

some of us are more strong

some of us need only one to hold on to

some of us can never go on

a few, althogh it never seems,

have many many wicked schemes

for the path that they're on

leads to holy ones

and they're not one

they're THE ONE

The One to hold on to

when life gets tough

The One to hold on to when

feelings are'nt enough

to climb within and discover sin

is as on the outside,

a reflection within,

so sin, as it seems

is a part of the scheme,

you're supposed to think

until you finally see

then the thinking stops

and at last you will see,

the YOU, that in your own eyes,

is ME.

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Hope

Preparing for the worst

but hoping for the best

is the absolute conclusion

to what can I do next?

I don't know

when my feeling's right

not when it comes to you

I don't know why I

feel so frightened

I don't know, do you?

I know what it feels like,

but I'm scared to tell

I wouldn't want to start

another private hell

So tell me my love,

have you thought of

something special?

something that will make my cry,

something you deny?

something that was never meant to

happen anyway

but then it will because you know

we all make it someday

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Reality

I feel the last little drips

of my love

slipping out from ny heart

and onto the kitchen floor

no one there to find them

no one there to pick them up

a phone on the floor staring

waiting for me

to pick it up

calling a number I know

too well

but this time I won't give up

I'm not letting them use me

again

this time I am my own dearest friend

this time they won't smash me down

down to the bottom

where I' m empty now

Last time I crashed I was full

of things

full of thoughts that wouldn't

leave me alone

this time it's empty

there's nothing in there

been trying too hard

to make you share

what's within you

trying so hard that finally

I lost my own grip

of reality

who's there and who's not

Am I, am I not

why is this cat

spying and tracking

I'm sure she's waiting

she'll be attacking

just like the other one did

I won't be dead no

I'll never be

I'm gonna live in this loveless

life for eternity

at last, a grip of reality

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ASD

You talk your sacred spells

words of evil and hell

words with sarcastic tones

noone dares to step up the throne

that all of you built for each other

the only thing anyone will say is oh bother

but deep down you cry and it hurts

when feelings are cramped and your spirits yearn

for showing love in a different way

showing emotions for real

not only when trapped up and sealed

in this chaotic way of words

words

on your screen

fridge

kitchen being a sight

still seldom seen

by anyone else than yourselves

you wouldn't let anyone come and stare

at you shelves and at yourselves

Words

on your screen

sleep

in between

food

when it's badly needed

sometimes

something

comes in between

you and your screen

for a moment the world

is for real

the kiss on the letter's a seal

telling someone you love so dearly

that life is now ended

you just didn't hear me

but who could ever have heard

between screens

and in betweens

who would ever have heard

except the ones on the other

side of the world

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Backgammon wars with Mars

He lies there sleeping

The little boy is weeping

Inside

He's dreaming away all the tears that he spent

evenings and nights crying out

He never cried them loud for them

Not to his friends

But all of the girls in his life

including his loveable wife

had to put up with his strife

to be free

to feel loved

to get rid of guilt and get a life

Daydreams fill his consciousness

cold nights inside the day

Hours pass away

Leading him the way

To a better, brighter self he urges all the time

Chaotic ways of thinking structures up the way to higher grounds

The grounds without those sounds

of parents screaming, fighting, sceneing out their love-hate fate

The little boy feels like bait

The bait lies down and waits

Nervousness, depression, pain

runs throughout his brain

He's very vain

Somewhat insane

We play our game

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Babes

I can say fuck

I can masturbate

but I'll be just another

boring babe

who think she's tough

when saying loud

words that mesmerize

the crowd

I need to peak

when I honestly speak

about things from within

not necessarily sin

I don't need to fit in

although I usually do

when doing my thing

I don't do it for you

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And then

Trying to find answers to things I don't know

always leaves me so low

it seems I can't ask without making you silent

when all I wish is an answer

that's true

full, and true

an answer that makes me believe in you

that's what I want to do

when you say that you love me

I want to be the only one there

the only one that's in your heart that near

I wouldn't want you to think of someone else all the time

is that what you do when your answers leave behind?

a feeling of not being quite so right

the answer "I don't know" stares me in my face

without knowing

it disappears, my grace

it disappears

I don't really know what to do next

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Beer

When your desperate and lonely

the beer comes in as the one and only

by community accepted solution

to the problems of inner confusion

the beer, the beer, our juice of life

a sip or two

and we can push our strife

up on a shelf where it really belongs

and thank god for the beer

that even makes us write songs

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Behaviour

Sometimes it's right to wonder

what's right and what is not

But most of the time it's not

'cause who are you to judge

what other people do?

What would you think

if I did that to you?

What is right and what is wrong

not as simple as this song

But this is just a plain reminder

It's not hard to be a bit kinder

to everyone no matter what they do

You still can't see everybodys point of view

all of the time

But you can be kind

keep that in mind

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A new view

From the desperate land that I walked

my new inner self feels so calm

so calm and so close to myself, today

feels as if I never will be astray

again

In this new view of mine

I am never behind

I am always just right where I should

Always where all of me learns the most

even though sometimes I feel like a ghost

I am always in contact, always secure

From this new view of mine

life will never again be a bore

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Feeling love

I love you both

but none of you wants me

I feel love from you both

why don't you confirm?

So much love for us to share

me and you

-but where?

So much pain in this mess

shameful loss of holiness

Sometimes you confirm

but never with words

Feeling so misunderstood

being verbal

So in my narrow world

where words are still needed

I am still alone

Still missing you both

by my side

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Shattered

So lost

in this ocean of feelings

So cold

swimming here alone

So frightened

that I'll be alone forever

So quiet

noone ever hears

Why don't I say something?

I wonder too

Why don't you?

So lost

in my feelings for you

So cold

when you do not fuel me

So frightened

that I'll never reach through

So quiet

afraid to move

Why don't I do something?

I wonder too

Why don't you?

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Virus

A pain in my heart

hidden like a boot sector virus

confronting me

when I try to partition my love

Hiding so well behind my facade

looking like nothing could break me

crying so loud in my bed at night

wishing you'd come and hold me

Knowing that noone can love for real

until the one loves oneself

knowing, still longing, for you to be here

something is missing

when you aren't here

A pain in my heart

hidden like a boot sector virus

confronting me

when I try to partition my love

Sitting in front of my shrink again

trying to figure out

what it is that holds me so close to you:

-Is it love?

-What is love?

Someone must've been fooled

Me

fooled by you

you made me love you, and then you moved

Me

fooled again

earthly love isn't my best friend

A pain in my heart

hidden like a boot sector virus

confronting me

when I try to partition my love

So here I lay

Caught by this virus

kicked in the butt by myself

Wanted to get rid of my feelings for you,

wanted to be free, to not think of you

(What do you do?)

(What do you think?)

(Where do you go?)

The result is my system collapses again

everytime that I try to forget you

my system breaks down as do I

I'm tired now. do not want this anymore

A pain in my heart

hidden like a boot sector virus

confronting me

when I try to partition my love

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| Me|

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Alexis CM Sistonen