A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.

A bike rest on its leg because it is too tyred.

A budget is something we go without to stay within.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. -- Robert A. Heinlein

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conservative is a politician who wants to keep what the liberals fought for a generation ago.

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A flawed concept is to elect people to rule over us, then allow them the authority to take our money.

A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over; there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. -- George Burns

A hard thing about business is minding your own.

A lecture is where the notes of the professor become the notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one.

A little boy asked his mother why the minister got a month's vacation while his dad only got two weeks. The mother answered, "Well, if he's a good minister, he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it."

A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.

A man who lives in a glass house should change in basement.

A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A religion that is small enough for us to understand would not be large enough for our needs.

A scientist knows more & more about less & less till he knows everything about nothing while a philosopher knows less & less about more & more till he knows nothing about everything.

A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.

A signature always reveals a man's character and sometimes even his name.

A smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your teeth are crooked.

A statesman shears the sheep. A politician skins them.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. -- Kimberley Broyles

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Aging is bad, but consider the alternative.

All men can fly, but sadly, only in one direction, down.

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.

All sunshine makes a desert.

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. -- Yogi Berra

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it. -- Robert A. Heinlein

Alymony: funds which allow a woman who lived unhappily married to live happily unmarried.

Alymony is having an ex-husband you can bank on.

America is a country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem.

An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.

Anyone who has time to look for a 4-leaf clover needs to find one.

Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. --Mignon McLaughin

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse

Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better. -- Andre Gide

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic but will help the government with extra tax if it comes off.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

Been there, done that, and have the T-shirt to prove it.

Before you can break out of prison, you must realize that you are locked up.

Believe in miracles, but don't depend on them.

Between the legs of the women walking by, the dadaists imagined a monkey wrench and the surrealists a crystal cup. That's lost. -- Ivan Chtcheglov

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

Big ideas are so hard to recognize, so fragile, so easy to kill. Don't forget that, all of you who don't have them. -- John Elliot, Jr.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde

Birthday Belief Systems

Idealism: Happy Birthday.
Capitalism: I shopped all day for your birthday.
Atheism: I can't believe it's your birthday.
Hinduism: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday?
Taoism: It's everybody's birthday.
Buddhism: If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came, would it make a sound?
Existentialism: Your birthday means nothing to me.
Sarcasm: You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.

Blessed is he who, having nothing to say, refrained from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Bones; there are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies. -- Honore de Balzac

Buses stop at bus stations, trains at train stations, my desk has a workstation.

Butcher's window: let me meat your needs.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.